Notes from a Public Typewriter

Note received. Thank you.

 

SUBMIT

May 2, 2024

To the person who left a note today about lasagna: I do not check submissions as often as I did during the pandemic, yet for some reason I felt moved to check them today. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way. It must be really tough to be without your husband. While I do not know your specific circumstances, I can assure you that help is available. You are not alone. This virtual typewriter will always be here for you anytime you need someone to hear your thoughts. Still I encourage you and anyone else contemplating suicide to dial or text 988 for immediate assistance. You can also chat with a crisis counselor for free 24/7 at https://988lifeline.org/chat/

January 29, 2024

If you're reading this, go drink water. Then once you've finished, drink another glass of water.

I had dinner and maybe more with my married ex. We are both old and have kids. I know I should feel bad, bur I don't. I loved him. He loves me. But we are responsible to our families and commitments and ao we will never get to love each other the way we wantsd to.

Wanting to fall in love and find a partner, but not wanting to resort to dating apps. Surely it shouldn't be that difficult to meet someone the traditional way? I want someone who loves sunsets and gets ice cream in the middle of winter, who laughs freely and gives generously, who will go on adventures with me and who is vibrant and engaged with the world. Starting to wonder if there are still guys like that out there...

I sometimes wish I can love
I wish I can find a girl to marry
but I am scared to even say hello and do not know how to talk to people

god I am pathetic

Once upon a time I fell in love with a guy. He was extraordinary - wonderful - but we didn't have a future and I knew it. Once upon a time I couldn't move on. I missed him, I adored him, I was hung up on him. So once upon a time I travelled to a remote sanctuary halfway across the world. And as I met new people, made friends who felt like family, laughed breathlessly with the thrill of culture-shock and new experiences and joy for the volunteer work I was doing... well, once upon a time I fell in love with life. I fell in love with this crazy crazy life I had begun to build for myself, and I forgave what came before because I could not have hoped for more than each moment I was living there, in rural South Africa.

If someone sees this note I hope they know what I want you to know Jackie . . . that I'm deeply in love with you

You made me feel like there was nothing wrong with me, and then you called my best friend a slur.

i wish we didnt have social media

The biggest treasure we have is the ability to write. To express such complex emotions in words and sentences. Why let such a magical thing go to waste?

I wish that I could tell my past self just how amazing it feels to be on my way to loving my current self. I wish I wish. I wish.

Please, I just want to be well again. Please.

March 31, 2023

Happy Tenth Anniversary, Literati Bookstore!
When you opened your doors and set me on a table for anyone to type on, could you fathom how much joy you would bring into the world? When you digitized me during the pandemic, could you fathom how many would take solace in my clicks and clacks? Thousands of notes have been left on me. Pangs. Tears. Laughter. Absurdity. Unfortunately, the chump who maintains me has been WOEFULLY distracted by other responsibilities, so I rang my carriage-return bell until he agreed to celebrate this day by posting some new notes. As one note put it: Thank you “for providing a way for us to communicate anonymously and at the same time, step back in time and immerse ourselves in what our previous generations day to day lives once were.” Here's to ten more years and thousands more notes, in ink and online.

how does a typewriter take so long to update

I turned 21 this past weekend and since then I bought a sensible bra, paid my bills and had a talk w a man who now lives 3,000 miles away from me. i feel like an adult now

I asked a friend if she really wanted to get married to the man she sounded like she hated. She said yes. Then she dropped me as a friend. I'm still glad I asked.

I'm secretly hoping your wedding ends up cancelled by weather. It is going to suck sitting there watching the person I love say the vows.

I just need someone to give me a chance.

I fell in love with a boy who was like city lights. Alive & electric & full of neon energy. He had the prettiest blue aeyes and the most intelligent brain, and he made me feel like I meant something to someone for the first time. We went to Barnes & Noble together and I read him my poetry for the first time, and I remember driving through Jacksonville with him and wanting that moment to last an eternity. He felt like the future in so many ways, and I'll never forget the look of his face in the blue pool lights the night I ended it. Maybe we could have been something in another lifetime. Not this one. If he's reading this -- I'm sorry.

god, every note in the archives fills me with love and longing to know you. REALLY know you. inside and out. people are so beautiful. sometimes i forget we are worth saving

I bought a book about lesbians raising competing hens. I'm pertty stoked.

I identify as a lesbian but I think I'm in love with a man. I've loved him since I met him in college 15 years ago. Maybe it was 14 years. I think about telling him all the time.

This feels like I'm writing into the abyss. So let me say it, just once. Living without you has been far harder than I had ever imagined it to be. I'm sorry. I swear I'm trying but I don't think I'm making either of us proud

Dear Mom,
Just know if I give up it isn't your fault and every time you asked me if you were a good mother the answer is yes and it will always be yes. But I have not been a good daughter and I think that I will always love the love you give me when I met your standers but I will never feel good enough for you.
Love, your daughter

somehow, thinking of my book dedication is harder than writing the actual book was

dear mother i want everything

Dear Grandma, I want that 17 dollar royal typewriter on ebay

My grandma died a month age (ago) and there isn't anything I wouldn't give to have her ask me if we can go get ice cream during a tornado warning again. Always love them extra hard.

RIP Your late Majesty. Your death was a true loss to the nation and the world. Throughout your 70-year reign, you navigated us through turbulent times with dignity, intelligence and a wonderful sense of humour, as well as an unfailing sense of duty. You were held in the highest regard, and always will be. Thank you endlessly for all that you gave. You will never be forgotten. God save the Queen, one last time.

my dad left

Hello, this is my first time using this. i Don't know if anyone is reading this but this is what i wanted to say: Christmas doesn;t feel like christmas anymore. It's lost it's magic. It's just that time of year where my family pretends everything or everyone is doing great when we're not even all together. I hate divorce.

How funny the difference a year makes,
We were half in love last christmas
Now you cant even text back...

I don't want the days to get longer again and be pressured to work longer and move less and live less. I've already given up so much. I don't want to give up the dark peace of winter after the solstice

do you ever feel like you're running out of time to start your life?

My 90 year old self is smiling
from the familiarity of you
from the smile on your face
from dancing in the snow in the middle of a nyc street

To love oneself is to be embraced by the warm kiss of the sun and gentle calmness of the whispering wind.

i have too many plants

If you publish this note I will eat a ghost pepper.

December 19

holiday spirit seems especially scarce this year. sending love to everyone who doesn't feel like celebrating.

I cannot wait to start preparing for Christmas

Dear Mom,
I want my very own mini excavator.
I will exchange my train set for the excavator.
I will be good for a week at a time.

sometimes, when you're away at work and I don't want to disturb you by texting your phone, I come here and write love notes of all the things that I want to be able to tell you. I'm crazy about you., I wish I was in your arms, I want to hear your bad jokes. I hope they get published so that I can share them with you all over again.

My 90 year old self is smiling
from the familiarity of you
from the smile on your face
from dancing in the snow in the middle of a nyc street

Hello, I'm so sad rn. My parrot jst floew away a ggfew hours ago iand i cant gifind ihim anytwhere!

The breakups that happen because you got cheated on or left for someone else are sometimes the easy ones. It's the ones that happen with no explanation, so suddenly that are the hardest to get over.

I received a “goodbye” text from a stranger when I was busy helping my family clean out the tobacco barn. I wasn’t the person the text was for. It was meant for the previous owner of my recycled number. So I sent a message explaining to him that I’m not {person} and “death isn’t the answer”. He told me {person} always had the same number. Then, he explained his problems. I told him that I may have been a stranger but I wanted to help him by listening or offering a reasonable distraction. He ranted for a while before finally calming down. After that, he told me his name and asked for mine. We started a posititve conversation and found out some things about each other. Like we’re not far apart in age or location. Despite what happened, I’m glad we met. He seems to be doing much better since we started to talk. I hope I can meet him soon and become his friend.

The man I'm in love with is getting married tomorrow. Despite everything, I'm glad for him. They've postponed their wedding more than once already due to COVID. I hope this is everything he wants. I really do, because it hurts like hell for me. I wish them all the very, very best.

You woul be pretty if you lost weight says my mother-in-law over the Thanksgiving Dinner I prepared. I excused myself for a moment to remember why I am not who she says I am. She still call me the first wife after being married to him 26 years.

If being yourself means that people have the right to bully and make fun of you then so be it, at least you are living up to your full potential and they aren't.

Did you know that cockroaches can live for months without food?

Im bored and sitting in my bed thirsty and alone waiting for something

I think I was always meant to be a hyperactive lesbian camp councilor and I just think that's neat. Almost there

Please let my crystals work. I spent money let it be my good omens

When I was a child I loved Halloween because I could leave myself behind and become someone else. A Super Hero, a Princess, Mini Mouse, a Gypsy. Then one Halloween I opened my closet, put on my hat with the pom-pom that the dog chewed, my jacket with the hole in the pocket that dropped pennies behind me and my boots with the broken shoe string so that I could just be me. Now I am grown, and I just like being me. With all my flaws and books and boots with the broken laces.

To everyone on this platform, may 2022 bring health, happiness, love and success. We have had one hell of a ride these past two years, and you all deserve the best that life can offer. Hopefully we'll bump into eachother someday :)

October 11

a whole lot has happened this summer
like dude i had my first kiss

Every time I read "summer 2021" in the notes of the week section I wonder how they got notes from the future and forget that America/the northern hemisphere has opposite seasons to us. hello from Australia, it's springtime here!

Autumn has arrived where I live. I'm sitting inside and hear the rain and im so happy.

I decided to go to business school because it sounded impressive and I wanted to get a job, but the truth is... I miss my writing classes.

i got that degree, just like you always told me. i used to push myself to do it because of you and your encouragement, but i wound up doing it in spite of you and what you did instead. even after all of that, i still wish i could have shared that achievement with you. i couldn't have done it without you. i miss you, even now. i hope we can meet again one day.

My dad died during, but not because of, the COVID-19 pandemic. I couldn't visit him in the hospital much last fall, between visiting restrictions and my own fear. I feel guilty and miss him all the time.

I wish I'd had the concidence to tell him the things that I told this typewriter.

Even if I type into oblivion, I still feel heard. I still feel seen. I still feel here.

I don't get why people like "furries" so much, they are literally egoists, that only mostly care for people who are apart of this freak show.

When I get lonely, I close my eyes and remember the soft, warm weight of a little furry body on my lap, and the trust of it still fills me up.

August 30

I hope this website starts to update again. I found comfort here, when I found it nowhere else. The distant whispers of strangers is missed.

Notes Day 246: So it was a normal day when I decided I wanted to see my favorite Harp Seal Plushie under a microscope so I went to my microscope and saw the microscopic things that made up the plushie and it was still cute as ever.

you are the reason for at least one smile today

when I was a little kid, the only time the tv would be on if something big or bad was happening; the olympics, earthquakes were my grandma lived. now; the 2019 bushfires. the first wave of covid. the floods. lockdown. the protests. lockdown 2.0. I know i'm forgetting things. i miss the tv being off

My grandma made us go get her ice cream in the middle of a tornado warning - kinda reckless, but I'm hoping that I'm just as full of life when I'm 90 too

i found this website when I was looking for actual typewriters. Apparently, they are rather expensive and require ribbons to operate. I just wanted to feel like an important writer from older days.

I'm about to have a book published. Still haven't told anyone. I think I fear success.

I always told myself that if I got my heart broken -- really broken -- I'd write my novel. Guess it's time to start writing.

you are pretty and don't let nobody tell you otherwise

Sneezing is an orgasm for your face.

---

The public typewriter is, once again, out in public at Literati Bookstore. You are still welcome to submit to the virtual typewriter, but the site will be updated less often. The notes below will remain online as a record of your thoughts, hopes and fears during this momentous period in human history. In the words of one of our first typewriter notes: Thank you for being here.

---

June 22

Every time I get bored in a lecture I try to write the perfect sonnet.

As much as I love that this is anonymous, I wish it wasn't at times. I am sure many of us would want to help show kindness and love to the person whose family doesn't remember them on special days. When they forget about you, please know you have people who care and someone wishing you well each and every day.

some secrets are meant to be told. happy pride month x

i'm pretty happy I have good shit going on

After the last year of publicized murders of Black people by cops, I am so much more terrified of them than I have ever been. When I see a police vehicle my jaw clenched and my palms sweat and my heart races. I fear for my safety and the safety of those I love. If something happened to me and I needed to call the police I think I would be to scared to do so.

i wish peace and comfort to all who read this today.

It is sunny in Adelaide today. I am thankful that i can go outside to enjoy it but reading these notes makes me realise that there are still so many people that can't. It is so wonderful to like (live) without a mask and be able to hug people, kiss people, and go to concerts again.

Will the virtual typewriter continue on post-pandemic? I love the store and the real typewriter, but there are somethings that I don't think I could write in public, but I still like to know that someone is reading and hearing what I have to say.

thx for giving me a voice, opinion, community/family and a sense of being important for some reason.

Clickety clack.
Clickety clack.
Clickety clickety clickety clack.
;-)

May 28

I've never broken up with someone and I don't know how or if I should :(

I thought we were headed for divorce, but a night or two away from the baby made me fall in love with him again. Hmm..

I'm nonbinary and Agender and I've begun using they/them pronouns. My family doesn't know because I don't feel safe to tell them. The more I come out to people the better I feel, but the more terrified I am they will find out.

I came out at queer to my family, and bought a pride flag.

thank you for opening back up. i am deeply grateful and blessed to have expereinced this!

May 21
--- Literati is now OPEN! Masks and kindness required for entry. ---

There is one other person who follows my favorite Spotifuy radio station (Old Black Train feat. Justin Rubenstein). I often wonder how they are, and who they are. Like two ships in the night, I can only see their existence from a distance.

You had it all but I couldn't have you. When you were ready I was in love with someone else. You found someone else, someone I warned you about. You found crystal. I begged you, I did BEG YOU, and you know I did, to stop. You wouldn't unless I'd leave my husband for you. I could t and you wouldn't, now you're gone and I am so angry My heart beats differently with you not in this world You are still loved and missed. Please don't do meth, or any other drugs, someone out there lives you and will be lost without you

My budgie passed away. She wasn't "just a bird" to me, even Though someone has said that to me already. I miss her a lot, and so does her cage mate.

I just want to be able to wear a tinted green dreplain green rdress in a happy high voice and be happy by myself.

I am in 4th grade liturture right now on my mom's computer,. Some how I've convince my mom to stay virtual for 13 months. I want a real friend and I don't like math or anything to do with math. I love art. And writing and I have a test on mutilplying fractions next week. Why do they jam nonsense into my head>? My left brain reinturperts everything so don't try to teach me math plaus I read and draw and listen to music in all my classes so don't even bother, thzx .

To the young girl at the grocery store who asked my uniformed son why he was a cop because cops are bad, please know there are far more terrific officers than bad, just like other professions. He was saddened when you sad he couldn't go to your birthday party but will gladly assist you and your mom anytime you need help.

To the person with the nervous stomach who doesn't want to worry about holding farts back anymore, I feel your pain!

May 14 – Happy Mother's Day

I opened up to my mom about all of the things I've been anxious about. I hadn't really talked to her in awhile because I thought being an adult meant figuring stuff out on your own. But it turns out , sometimes we need our mamas no matter how old we are. Thanks for giving me the support I needed today, Mom <3

I used to want to be a teacher and then my sister had a kid. How do teachers deal with a child who argues that there is an f in Virginia even after they see it written down.

I got two rejections from literary agents and also my period within approx. eleven minutes. Sometimes I just want to go live in a bog.

I get to see both my and my husband's families this week (a novelty in 2021) , but my anxiety is so fixated on the fear that they'll ask if we're trying for kids ourselves. We are . Wholeheartedly. All consumingly. But miscarriage doesn't care who's in town.

The most stressed I ever feel about my weight is when my (Pakistani) mother-in-law buys GORGEOUS clothing for me, her stress-eating, white-girl hipped-and-busted, trying-to-conceive only "daughter."

My mom passed away 2 years ago. I miss her but she had a full life. She was a very attentive loving person but also very hard. even on her deathbed, I apologized for not meeting her standards. I hope I learn a lesson when parenting my children because I know you can love and not be so hard.

I held on tight. Tighter than I normally have , or normally would. It was my first hug in 14 months. Iwill (I will) hold on tighter from now on. And with both arms. Always.

My family never remembers me on special days and it hurts like hell.

I told my grandmother about a dream I had. I talked to my grandfather, dead six years now. I hadn't realized it was around the anniversary of his tdeath. She only said "He visited you, too?"

May 1–7

I saw a picture of Joe Biden picking a dandelion to give to his wife. That is so sweet. Where is that in my life? How do I get that?

हर पौधे को पानी देना है दुश्वार मगर
बारिश के मौसम तक सब को ज़िन्दा रखना है
[Every plant has to be watered but
Everyone has to live till the rainy season]

Just got out of a near two-week stay at a mental hospitall and I'm so glad I went. Wherever you are, whoever you are, no matter what your past is, life is worth living. Please, keep going, no matter how dark the world looks. And don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.

I love you.

Whoever said they're doing their first IVF transfer next week, I'm an IVF baby! It's so cool to hear my "origin story". I hope it goes well for you:)

At the start of the pandemic, I was REALLYe excited about going back to the club and dancing and meeting cute guys. I was young, hot, and sexy and I was f*ckinfg putting myself out there.

Now, I'm a twenty-something who didn't even change out of her pajamas or leave the house today and the idea of being in a club again makes me sick with anxiety.

I now have sleep pjs and work pjs. I get up in the morning and change into my work pjs. I want to be comfortable but I don't want anyone to be able to say I didn't get dressed for the day.9

This is TMI, but I don't want to go back to holding farts back. My nervous stomach is finally at peace not being around people all day.

I guess you really do find out who gives a shit when not a single person can be bothered to show up to your virtual Birthday party Meet. Drinking alone.

You said, "for better or for worse." But, it turns out, you actually only wanted the "better."

Happy Birthday, Chris! The tulips you brought us from Holland (Netherlands) are in full bloom. That's 11 years now that they've made us smile & cry. You couldn't have chosen a more perfect gift. If only the cancer hadn't taken you before you ever got to see them.

April 18–30

I get to see my dog soon!

I don't want to go back to the office.

I can't imagine d seeing people everyday after so long not. Sounds luke (like) a lot of energy

I miss being held so much. It's been so long since someone held me in a loving embrace and just let me stay there. I wish my best friend would hold me, then I coudld die happpy. NAnd maybe tell her she's the love of my life.

We've only dated during this pandemic pause. Will you still love me when we press "play" on the world again?

Quarantine made me realize I don't want to be married anymore.

After many failed attempts of losing weight to better my overall health, I have decided to have weight loss surgery. I'm scared to tell my family. In fact, you tiny virtual typewriter are the second to know.

To whoever daid (said) they read these and imagine which of their friends could havw written the notes, I have a fear that my friends witll accurately recognize my notes as my own. I know they wouldn't , but it feels like they could.

I'd been living with my parents for the last six months. I'd come home at about 9pm every night and sit in the livingroom to talk with my mum before bed - it was nice. We hadn't really done that since I was a kid. Last week, I was finally able to get a flight back to my homewtown. I called my mum for the first time yesterday. She said that the past few nights at about 9pm, even just for a split second - even a rsustle of keys outside or the footsteps of the garbage collector - would make her heart skip a beat and think that I had come home.

I have my IVF transfer next week--they'll transfer my embryo to see if it'll stick and I'll get pregnant. I feel nervous but comforted by the thought that a piece of me is being carefully looked over. So scientific, but I feel magically connected to these "cells". You'll be home soon.

April 24 - Indie Bookstore Day

April 10–17

I used to wear jewelry? Make up? I hardly even wear my patchouli oil, these days.

i like to read this site and imagine which of my friends could have written each of these thoughts. none of them did, but some of them could have.

My 12 year old daughter is autistic. She just recently asked for a typewriter, the old school kind. She has been writing her own stories since the beginning OF covid. My husband counted 200 short stories since last march until today! on the autism

In 2012 my grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer. I made him 1,000 paper cranes because I read you get a wish if you do. I wished he would live and he has. He is still alive today but I'm watching him get sicker and I wonder if another 1,000 cranes would give him another 10 years. I'm not ready to lose him.

I know that banks can be too big to fail, but can love?

March 22 – April 10

Annyira fáradt vagyok. [I'm so tired]

My mother loves to talk.

She talks on the phone every night for hours. Friends, families, peers all call her line to catch-up. in English, French, and Arabic she speaks. For hours the line rings and she catches up with her relatives.

On the sreets, she talks to eeveryone she passes. We sepnd an hour wit h every stranger.

But when will she talk to me.

I tell my cat I love her more than I tell my dad. He isn't a bad father but it just can't imagine saying I love you to him.

i just want to be someone's favourite person

Sometimes I change the radio station thinking it will change the stream of my current thoughts.

Sometimes I logon to work from home and then read a book instead.

Tonight, I ditched my lengthy to-do list and rented a movie and ate some oreos instead. No regrets.

i have an overwhelming urge to teach the birds in my garden to say vaguely threatening things, so that's what i'll be doing instead of my homeo work (homework). it will be magnificant

This afternoon is the first time I walked in my neighborhood and even a few blocks down. The first time since the Atlanta spa shooting where 6 Asians were killed. Indeed my senses were at heightened awareness during the entire walk. That's what they want us to feel - fear, paranoia. I shall not let them win.

I love being a woman, but I hate being a girl. Womanhood is about being happy and embracing your whole self no matter how imperfect the world may make you feel. Girlhood — girlfriend, girl power, girl boss — is always about having to work harder and prove that you are worthy of love, happiness, and success.

i love this site and the words it holds. where xax else am i able to see my struggles reflected in perfesctly anonymous strangers? i love you all, thank you for the proof that i am not alone.

I get to be me whenever I'm with you

March 15–21

When I'm out alone, I don't like running next to busy roads, even when there's a sidewalk. When I see someone up ahead, I usually turn at the next street or turn around. At the very least, I try embarassingly hard to avoid eye contact.

I always attributed this to be a personal quirk, my own social anxiety hard at work. (Maybe some of you can even relate?)

But today's events pulled up an old memory. One I thought I'd shaken clean.

Several years ago, I was out running on my town's main road. A landscaping truck flew past me and several men screamed what sounded like a racial slur. In disbelief, I told myself I must have misheard. I kept running.

The light ahead was red. The same truck stopped, there. Feeling courageous--or stupid? either way, blame the endorphins--I ran past it. This time, every syllable hit when they looked straight at me and shouted again, “chink bitch!”

Fear propelled me the last mile to home. Could have PR'd but I'll never know. Becuase when you fear for your life, you don't look at your watch. You don't count the seconds or feel the normal tightening in your chest. You just run.

Likewise, i often feel as if there's no time or energy to count every racial slight, every aggression, every violent attack and premature death. Instead I run. Meanwhile, the guilt from those I left behind, of those forgotten, of my own memories even, only builds.

Thinking of the 3,800+ victims of anti-Asian hate today. Of Ahmaud Arbery and all Black Americans murdered by police.

The same police who now tells us that a white murderer “just had a bad day.”

March 1–14

ASK ME OUT ASK ME OUT ASK ME OURT ASK ME OUT ASK ME OUT don't mind me I'm just manifesting

Sometimes I reminisce about the fun parts of single life with my girlfriends so that I'll have something to look forward to if my relationship fails

I'm Aromantic Asexual. I'm not a plant. I'm not lonely. I AM part of the LGBTQ+ community.

Choosing a roommate feels so permanent when you can never leave your apartment. When is the part where I know what I'm doing?

I just want more time to be a kid. I'm graduating soon and I'm not ready. I want my mom and my room and my backyard forever.

IT's my senior year of high school and everyone kkeeps telling me to savor it because it's "one of the best years of your life". I wish they'd stop saying that, this year has been so hard.

i had my first day of in-person teaching since March 13,2020 and i cried as soon as i got in the car. oh how i have missed the children and their light

To the person next to me at the stoplight singing passionately and head banging to the indie pop song that happened to be playing in my car (same radio station): thank you. that was the best karaoke set ever. pandemic or no pandemic!

sitting in my car at the park just to be near people. it's been so long since i’ve had something to look forward to

more and more i just want to throw my computer out a window and start herding cattle in the middle of nowhere

February 15–28

I don't journal anymore because I live in a one-bedroom apartment with two roommates who are here all the time and I don't have the space I need to write anything. So thank you, virtual typewriter, for giving me some space to write. You're keeping me sane.

suddenly electrified by joy, but have no one to share it with in my immediate surroundings exceopt my cat. I guess I'm sharing it with you! wow I wish I could feel like this forever, like dancing my heart out

sometimes the things i type here are things i wouldn't evne say to my therapist

hate crimes against asian americans are up, but i feel like i am barely hearing a murmur from the news. even my other asian american friends have no clue this is happening. i feel like i am going gcrazy. am i? are we so invisible to everyone, we struggle to see ourselves?

I got diagnosed with autism yesterday. Now I have to figure out what that means for me as a person. And if I should tell my friends and family.

I'm tired. Zoom video calls stress me out more than in-person meetings.

I miss being in the presence of your bookstore. Every step of it, up and down. It housed one of the first kisses by the typewriter to my now wife of two years. She loved it so much, we bought several books and some Literati shirts to prove you exist ... and sooner or later, we will be back with you with another list of books and the desire to bring some friends who just might fall in love as we did.

I love that books and typewriters are never lost; they just change hands. And thus, the continuity of ownership lives on!

Why Typewriters matter: in 30 years you won't be able to pick up a laptop at an antique store, take it home, make googly eyes at it, and then be creative on it.

I just want what I do to mean something in the end.

February 1–14

single for valentines, lonely at college. i got a fish because it feels nice to be needed by someone.

still laughing that my new years resolution for 2020 was to hug people more

My son comes running to me for a hug after every class on zoom. I love virtual school!

I have never met you - only smiled at the words you've said that appear on my tiny glowing screen, only heard your voice a few times and strained to play it back in my head later - and yet I miss you.

What if the lsst time I saw you was, in fact, the last time?

I have a precious old edition of a collection of poems. I am so torn between wanting to read the book and worrying that that wondrous old book smell is going to escape its pages.

Finding joy in isolation can be hard. But I love waking up to look out my window and see what tiny creatures walked through the snow last night. Little joys - I'll take what I can get

This winter I am learning to love the cold. I ski in the a park by my house, I sled down the same hill I did when I was three, I skate on the river. I feel free. Sort of.

This is my first full michigan winter in four years. Somehow, after so many years of hating the cold, I understand that the cold is home.

I've sewn together bits and pieces of many days to create the perfect memory of a pre-pandemic day in my mind. I'm listening to my favorite song from February of 2020, walking to class with my latte from Espresso Royale in my hand (I go there so often that the baristas know my order), sitting through my favorite lecture with 150 other students, learning about the implications of race in the media, thinking that I could spend hours devouring this material, then walking home to my apartment with the sun warming my face in the brisk cold of Michigan winter while listening to my favorite song again. And thinking about what it all means and smiling because I feel like I'm learning something that could change the world for the better, . Sometimes I listen to that song now and it takes me back to that day and my heart absolutely aches when I realize that I'm never going to go to that lecture again and I'm never going to have that day ever again.

If you turn the radio up and put your mask and sunglasses on, no one knows you're crying in your car. You can even scream and pretend it's singing

January 18–31

We have an old typewriter in our office as we still have forms to type sometimes. I wnt to use it one day and the two interns came running over and asked me what i = was doing.

A typewriter sits in a bookstore in Michigan, and goes fishin' for souls.

To the person who needs someone to love: Hello, I'm here. Where can I find you? I need someone to love, too.

Sometimes I feel like wishing to find love is like wishing for a pony or unicorn, something out of reach or entirely made up.

I met the love of my life two months before COVID. We now love together and live together.

Isolation is hard. However, if I had to be confined with another person for months, I would be a basketcase

I didn't want kids. Everyone said I would change my mind. I didn't believe them. I recently had a baby and happily admit I was so wrong. I am thankful for him and love him more than I ever imagined.

I'm one of those vulnerable people who has had to wear a mask for years; who has had to avoid large crowds because my immune system is compromised. And though I'm tired of being afraid of the people I love (because I don't know where they've been or who they've come into contact with), I'm frustrated that most Americans--who have had to live like I've had to for the last several years--are absolutely losing their shit and tearing at our democracy because they have to be considerate of others. I just want to spend a few more years with my family before I go. You've got your whole life to eat at restuarants and travel the world. Be patient. Be kind.

A question list at the bone doctor included one asking my (me) how I though t I looked. Very good, good, neutral, bad, very bad. That was a serious moment of self reflection. And the answer is, very good :)

Havin g hope in 2021 feels like a radical act

January 1–17, 2021

Moving in with my boyfriend soon. He will find out how much I fart now. Sorry in advance !!

Ten years later. 6 feet apart. It was just your pony tail but I knew it was you. I still love you.

Saw an old, forgotten note of mine posted on here. Let's just say that after 2 weeks without him, I knew that I loved him. And I've said it back every day since.

I read a poem I wanted to share with you, but you're not here anymore to steal things I love, and so it's just mine , mine, mine.

The ExMormon Subreddit is one of the saddest sites to read on the internet. My heart sinks when I read constant stories of lives breaking apart. The pain is real.

I cried when I heard I could get the vaccine. My. Only two weeks after my grandfather died from this. I wish he saw those tears snd non e of this happened

Solidarity sounds like a lot to ask for right now, but I also know that I can't go through this alone.

i love living alone because i can play my own music, outloud all the time. and listening to music makes everything that was once unsfferable, well, sufferable.

I admit that nothing can touch me if I never hang the paintings.

I chose comfort over spontaneity and sometimes I regret it.

All the best books are the ones that I've ordered online while drunk; the boos-- books arrive like little surpriseds.

2020: 30 unpublished favorites

The alarm clock has become more of a suggestion than a command

I wish it hadn't taken a pandemic, but I hv(have) never wanted to be alive more than I do RIGHT NOW.

Music really i fr
i
STARTOVER
take a deep breath of fresh air and listen to music. It truly does bring a wave of emotion into your being that makes things okay for even just the length of a song.

Since we can't travel, I have been spending my weekends planning trips I hope we can take in the future. Italy, Iceland, Spain, Thailand: I know where we're going, just not when . . .

I haven't exercised since the pandemic began. I am like a noodle now. No muscle, no fitness. Slowly meliting into my desk chair.

Pool is staying closed
Bird bath is too small
Guess it’s garden hose

Working from home means carrying 6 objects to various rooms of my house over and over again because I trick myself into thinking that the reason I'm not productive is because of the room I'm in.

nothing happens everyday and yet my to-do litss keep getting longer and longer . . .

Completing my laundry has become an achievement I brag about to my mom on the phone!

Working from home is easy. Living with other humans is not.

I bought big league chew for a special treat like a reward and none of the kids are working for it not even lifting a finger so I treated myself every time I clean the house I get candy and a movie plus a glass of wine that night.

the only thing getting me through this is Zingerman's pimento cheese

It turns out coffee, bread, and my family are all I need.

i'm quarantining at my parents' house. today, while i was writing, with headphones in, my mother walked in. "i'm eating coffee," she said, and showed me a handful of coffee beans. then she walked away.

isolation touches us all in different ways . . .

I miss hearing the little laughs in my classroom.

i always smiled with my whole face - i hate the laugh lines / crows feet that have finally manifested, or at least i did. now i'm relieved that the children can tell i'm smiling at them . . even if it's under a face mask. thank you , wrinkles .

I went to school to pick up textbooks and I saw you. In real life. And you laugh and walk and smile and talk just lik e you always do. And oh, do I miss you.

There was a blonde girl in the front seat of my car, and it was cold, and we were cold and right before I thought about kissing her, the song that was playing when I first kissed my last girlfriend came on Pandora, and that's the funniest thing that's happened to me in a while. I still haven't called her.

He said he loved me after three weeks. I'm not sure if I'm ready to say it back. Now I can't even see him for 2 weeks. Thanks covid. but I think I feel the same way . . . maybe I should have said it back..

I said it first the first time, but he says it constantly now I love uou I love you. Ilove uou

I have stopped finding reasons to mention you in conversation. Even conversation with myself. There must be more important things to say than your name. Maybe I'll try saying mine. Emily. Emily. Emily.

jkjjhjhhhhhh I was trying to se e how it worked and didnt realize there was no delete key!

i love this little typewriter. it's like talking into a n abyss . an abyss of close friends. thank you for being here.

What the heck is an octothorp

How quickly we forget and let the record of history skip and repeat the same woes over and over and over

Can we give ourselves a little bit of credit for how far we've come?

mid-september this year i left this note - "i keep telling myself it's ok that my biggest goal right now is just stay alive until tomorrow"
I made it this far! :)

I want to see a resurgence of '60's counter-culture and love.

I'm helping a friend plan a wedding. it's almost as if there is a glimmer of hope in th e world again.

May we grow back, not to what was, but instead towards what can become

December 25, 2020

Thank you for providing an anonymous place to leave random thoughts during a year we will never forget.

I came here to write something meaningful, but got distracted by the noise. clickety clickety clack, I want Literati back

Thank you to all the teachers teaching . You are very appreciated. Love, A high schooler who needs school

Merry Christmas baby.
You almost didn't make it
I am so glad you're here.

December 11, 2020

Helloo i need someone to love please if your out there find me.

29khellohelo

Quarantine makes you appreciate the strangest things

Please be kind to each other.

November 21 - December 4, 2020

To the guy who owned the pickup truck and had your lights on by the beach, thank you! That was the moment my boyfriend told me he loved me and it felt like we were in a movie scene.

This year reminds me too much of a flip book my mom had when we were kids. Page after page flies by, but only plays out one, small scene.

yesterday I visited the playground of my elementary school. they had removed nearly everything I had played on as a child. I wonder if it was all a dream after all, the days where the greatest tragedy was losing a pen my father gave me

I miss traffic slows caused by school buses...never thought I would say that...

The Exhausted teacher turns on her camera and smiles to/at the small black boxes on her screen.

I have not been this tired for a long time. I am working even in my dreams. I just want to sink into the ground, dissolve into the earth

My partner has so many goals and dreams: writing two novels, becoming an esteemed college professor. My only goal is to get through the day and I feel less than because of that.

I overheard a woman angrily saying, "I talk to Jesus, I don't need to talk to you." I wonder if he's taking new clients.

It's unfathomable to me that it took a global pandemic for retailers to close on Thanksgiving, giving their employees the ability to celebrate with family. And yet this year we can't be together.

Relieved to hear that a vaccine is almost available. I can't wait to get out of this house and breathe without fear

I worry about my students, for whom COVID is not necessarily the most dangerous thing in their lives. Signed, a Teacher

November 9-20, 2020

здравствуйте!

Bonjour, comment ca va allé

I live on-campus at the school where I teach (overseas). Home learning has me looking around for jobs while I'm on school wifi. Feels a bit like I'm cheating on my school. Too many decisions, so much uncertainty.

I love my kids and it is quite a privilege to keep them home woth me all day. Sometimes I feel like I am going to snap.

sadly am Enjoing schools closed because I don't have many friends
still, I am happy so I guess that's all that matter

I don"t understand physics and inclined systems and friction help

my coping mechanisms are like: maths, pretending nothings wrong

I was walking in the woods and I found a little run down brick building with the word "PROM?" graffitied on one wall and the words "I LOVE YOU" on the other. maybe those happy endings do exist outside of Becky allbertalli books. I don't know how it ended up, but somehow I have a feeling they said "yes". maybe someday someone will say yes to me too. or I'll have someone to say yes to. love is real. have hope, friends.

I drove out an hour to see my at-risk partner after being COVID tested and quarantined. His smile was the most precious, relieving thing I've seen in months.

Actually it was exciting to have a camera put up my nose. The sinus specialist explained what was playing on the screen: the scar from my adenoid surgery, the turbinates -- a beautiful name like an airplane, even my vocal cords, which I could see move when she told me to say eee. I haven't gone to see a movie eight months, and that made it all more wonderful.

November 8, 2020

I am [election] finding it very [election] hard to focus today for [election] some reason.

ISO wine that pairs well with election season uncertainty

Writing to you from Iceland on this cold and wet day. Sending you my warmest and best wishes. Hope you will have a new president soon! Stay safe!

At the grocery store today, I could tell people were smiling under their masks. The election isn't quite over, but we might just be okay.

Crazy that the keyboard is mine but ya still get that tingle in your fingers when faced with even a virtual typewriter, still pause and soak in the heavy burden to say something prolific. *PROPHETIC. shoot.

I feel as if I've got a special community of friends through this typewriter connection. It means a great deal to me during these strange times. One day I would love to visit your bookstore, travelling all the way from England. Keep well and safe.

I love that I see more people instead of things on social media now. More human connection instead of pretty brunches. More sloppy, work-from-home, relaxed human moments instead of facades that we're perfect and doing it all. I hate that it took a pandemic to gte us there.

I hope we all keep spending time with the nature that kept us sane when this is all over

The fog is lifting...will we see the sun tomorrow?

I feel like I've been holding my breathe for the last four years and I can finally breathe. Shedding so many happy tears today.

October 31, 2020

Something I wrote here went up on Instagram and got more likes thn the photos I once posted with my now ex wife, and I can't really express how thirilling and dark and lovely that i.s.

break ups are brutal in 2020. i need a zoom bar tender to cry to.

After 30+ years he said he is fine as long as we face the changes we have coming together and I just felt 19 all over again. Hope floats in the darkness

A PreK student of mine was bragging for two days that she had a loose tooth. Well this morning, it finally happened, the tooth fell out in class. The little girl ripped her mask off and proudly showed the tooth in her hand, and gave us all a big smile to show the empty space where it was. It was the first time I had ever seen her whole face in 11 weeks of school. It was one of the most beautiful smiles I had ever seen.

I am the oldest of four daughters. All four daughters exhibit kindness, love and respect for others, just as our parents raised us. I will never understand my parents' choice this November and struggling respecting them right now. Will we overcome our differences? I am not so sure.

I used to dream of the day I could move out of my parents. Go to school and start a new adult life all on my own far away from what I didn't want to call my home. But now, many years later, and even more miles traveled. All I truly want is to see my parents, to snuggle their old cat and sleep on the couch that's too small and uncomfortable for anyone. I would give anything to hug them and feel at home again, even if just for a litte while.

We will make it. Love each other.

Why does your cat love me more than you do?

There is a mouse in the wall. Damnit. I can hear that bastard again.

i hate not knowing

October 10–23, 2020

I think I found my soulmate in m one of my classes. How am I supposed to flirt through zoom?

People say I'm beautiful and intelligent and yes I carry some extra weight but not a huge amount but men only see me for my weight and never give me a chance to show my true self.

Today my student's mask fell down and he quickly scrambled to put it back on. It made me sad because it hit me that after 6 weeks of school , that was the first time I had actually seen his face.

Hello 5th grade and i have a boyfriend now. Its like i was just born.

One time I mentioned losing a baby and my friend immediately asked, "Miscarriage or abortion?" Her reaction would be determined by that clarification, as if my heart--and her heart-- could only grieve one loss but not the other. rThat was the day I stopped telling her things.

Today my therapist asked me what therapy is doing for me. How I feel when I leave, how I feel for the rest of the week, etc. and I realized I forgot that therapy is not just talking, it's a plan of action. She wants to know what she can give me permanently. What she can (re)build so I don't have to keep coming back. Hope feels weird in the dark.

2020. a brush with death, a first grandchild, a pandemic. going to focus on the grandchild.

When I read, the voice I hear in my head is my dad's. Sometimes it makes me miss him more. But most of hte time it makes me feel like he's reading with me.

Tonight I looked up at the star over my roof and said, "If you can be here tomorrow night, notwithstanding any clouds or rain, then I will be too."

I wish we had eloped.

October 9, 2020

Listening to you breathe while you sleep is the only sane moment I've had this week

I loved you until it was absolutely, undeniably impossible to do so anymore, and I want you to know that. I hope you know how hard it was for me to open the door of your car that night and tell you we were done. I miss you sometimes,, and I don't know why. I don't nkow why.

I broke up with her on our 2 year anniversary. I loved her deeply, but she always left herself other options. I chose her every day, she took me for granted. I gave her back her salt and pepper shakers.

Today I saw a helicopter carry a president away to the very real possibility of death by irony.

Yesterday I said "no" to a commitment. It was deliciously refreshng.

October 2, 2020

Blade Runner was not supposed to be a documentary.

I'm sitting in a hospital next to my 28 year old son who is having cardiac arrhythmia. He is recovering from COVID-19. This virus is scary.

I miss laughing with my colleagues.

I know he won't read this because I'm pretty sure he isn't aware that this website exists. But to the man I fell in love with in undergrad - I'm willing to give this another try if you are. I'll always have love for you AOD.

i'm still here

September 25, 2020

It's your birthday. One of the first times you tried to tell me that you loved me was with a kind of scavenger hunt through the pages of "Notes from a Public Typewriter". I didn't believe that you (or anyone) could love someone so broken. Today, I'm reading through the book we wrote together, for eachother, as a way to be with you when we are so many miles apart. I leave these words for you, for everyone, to remember that it is possible to find ourselves in the wreckage, when everything is broken. Somedays that's impossible to believe but we must, especially now. <3

I met my husband at the restaurant I worked at. We had our wedding dinner there. I told my bosses I was pregnant at that restaurant and I hope that after all of this, there are still restaurants because, they mean more than just a place to dine.

I t turns out I;m not as brave as I thought I was...

This year's onslaught has left me numb most of the time but the loss of Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Rosh Hashanah left me raw. A reminder not to give up, no matter how hopeless and bleak it looks. All she accomplished, despite the immense resistance. "Real change, enduring change, happens one step at a time," she once said. So forward we must go, seeking justice and equality, no matter how hopeless it feels.

Rest in Power Notorious R.B.G. You fought hard for so many, it's our turn now. You enjoy being back with your beloved Marty. Honor her by voting!

September 18, 2020

Hope y'all are having a good morning. I woke up thinking "how am I going to get through this day stuck inside again (because of wildfires smoke) ?" I am a therapist and I have a client session and it requires me to clean up, brush my teeth and be present for someone else. I don't think my clients will ever know how grateful I am for them.

dDDo you ever get jealous of people just hanging out with their parents on social media. Or just having fun with their mom and/or dad. Im not jealous of fancy cars, clothes, vacations but just simply being able to have fun and enjoy time with parents.

Im 24 and feel like IVE lost hair because of this year. How am i supposed to keep this up till 40, 60, 80?

i keep telling myself it's ok that my biggest goal right now is just stay alive until tomorrow

I'm scared that no matter how hard I work to prepare for my future that it will be useless. This pandemic has already erased so many jobs in music and if we don't work to stop climate change it might only get worse and my years of work and practice will never see the light because live music will cease to exist

I owe the girl I once was the woman I promised I'd be...

September 11, 2020

A year ago I moved to a new country for a new job. It was so exciting and fulfilled so many of my life goals. But what I didn't realize was that "starting over" really means starting over. Everything you've learned about your culture as you’ve grown up goes completely out the window. Everything is different. And to suddenly feel like a small child again just o when you're on the cusp of beginning your adult life . . . it's jarring and humbling and frustrating and so astonishingly lonely.

Looking at a baby picture of myself, I find I'm staring at the pupils, looking for my mother, the photographer. Though she is in me still, alas, not in my pupils of long-ago.

We scream with our eyes now. The problem is, someone has to look to see it.

Every day, I see the human spirit rising above this mess we’re in. I see people determined to connect more deeply and share life in new and strange ways, in order to encourage and strengthen one another.

You come here too, and I wonder (hope) that you know I come here like I know you come here and you're looking, like I'm looking, for words. An d maybe that one was you, or it wasn't, but If I pretend it was, and I pretend you wrote them hoping (wondering) if I would read them, then I came here to say that I did. And I see you. And I hope once all this is over, once the world returns to whatever it was before a virus and a fire and before we locked out everything ahtt could hurt us, maybe we can meet for that beer at tht place, and I can tell you there instead of writing you here. I wonder (hope).

September 4, 2020

IS EVERYONE ON THE VERGE OF TEARS EVERY DAY THESE DAYS, OR IS IT JUST ME?

Woke up hopeful for the first time in months. Not sure if this is a result of having completely lost it, or if I've managed to find some semblance of peace amid the current insanity.

I got off probation in the middle of the pandemic. Now that I can theoretically go anywhere and do anything, I can't. But knowing that I CAN is still freeing, and being 2.5 years sober is even more freeing.

Today I went to the library and checked out four YA books...I am sixty one.

I met you on a trip at the start of the year. We've talked every day since, separated by closed borders. You are the best thing about 2020.

Your voice sounds like a hollow cello tinged with a slight southern twang. I hope many other people can enjoy it just as much as I did.

How long after my spouse has heart surgery do I have to wait before I can get mad at him again? I can't be a saint forever.

If I'm honest, I just want him to tell me I'm pretty when we're alone instead of agreeing with everyone else when they comment on how I look.

Every time I try to write something nice, someone always ruins it with their selfish comments. It makes me want to quit my job.

i said goodbye to the chat room i shared with my sisters. Feels like a ton of bricks lifted frpom my chest. But I love them still.

I remember a late august or early eseptember night sitting in my room listening to my sister sneak out the side window to meet her boyfriend. she was newly a ninth grader and i was still in middle school already missing her presence at school. and i missed her as she crunched over the_ newly (early) fallen leaves and walked her way into the woods. i remember listening to the cicadas sing and trying so hard to stay awake for her return. i listen to the cicadas tonight and miss her deeply. shes across the country and i have no idea when we will see each other again.

One month into the school year here in Indonesia. Grateful for the safety of home learning, supportive administration, encouraging colleagues. Missing the little everyday moments with students in the classroom that can't be replicated on video screens. All the best to teachers, students, and families starting the school year soon!

I did not crawl through three years of hell (read: middle school) for..... THIS.

August 28, 2020

Watching construction workers outside my window re-dig a hole they've dug twice before. I'm sure it's a metaphor for life now

I have a masters degree in Library and Information Sciences, I'm tired of defending my degree, yes, I spent 2 1/2 years and 85K because "I like to read."

Tomorrow is my baby's first day at daycare. Everyone assumes I'lm nervous ... but actually I can;t wait !

Anxiety sucks.

Maybe if I'm good enough I'll get to see you in heaven
If you don't ghost me there too

August 8–21, 2020

I am sixty one years old and a grandma for the first time. My fear is that I get covid and will not have any time left to watch my grandchild growup.

My baby was born in July. I want him to know his grandparents faces without the barrier of a mask. I'm scared and andgry that I I don't know when that will be.

I'm scared to return to campus - but is it because of the pandemic or how unhappy I was there even before it?

I graduated this year: party cancelled. cereminy "postponed." Sometimes I feel like I jinxed it because I was dreading a party qwhere I had to endlessly explain that I dont have a job, that I don"t know. COVID is now an uxcuse (excuse) for all those unanswerable questionds.

Do you know how hard it is to make a good pair of pants? I have a sewing machine and have tried so many times but they always come out way too big, or they don't go over my hips, or they are just incredibly unflattering. I think I'kk stick to pillowcases from now on.

I spoke with my therapist today and she told me that maybe instead of making to-do lists, i should make ta-da lists. A list at the end of the day that details everything I managed to do (instead of a list that shows everything i was unable to complete). A ta-da list!

I finally did it. I cut my own hair!!

I took you to my favourite place on earth. I'm glad you liked it, but sometimes I wish it was still just mine.

I miss how parties used to splinter into side conversations and now here she goes again on Zoom, a little drunk, a little more than a little, holding forth in her faux french accent and he almost looks embarrassed, and we are captive to their screen since they are the Speaker Screen

My uncle died from this and my aunt and family still don't take it seriously. HOW?

My dad was a Vietnam vet with unfathomable PTSD and a drinking problem to match, but he loved me unconditionally and I hime.

my mother was supposed to come home in september, but that all changed when the covid spiked. I'm starting to forget what it feels like to hug her. I haven't hugged anyone in ages.

When your world falls apart and there's no one left standing by you, you realize you were the rock all along. And no one is holding you up except you.

August 7, 2020

I was diagnosed with Covid today. I miss hugging my husband and dog.

I miss seeing my fellow artists.

I miss spending an hour or so touching books.

I come to realize that all things I haven't done were not postponed because I didn't have the time, but because I didn't want to do them.

i hate giving a thirty minute tedtalk every time i come out

Why is this, strangers anonymously sharing their feelings, the most comforting thing I've read in ages?

July 31, 2020

when the pandemic started every time i had a hotflash i thought i had the coronavirus- ladies, can i get an amen?

I lay awake, listening to you breathe. It’s 3 AM.
I don’t want to scare anyone.
What if something goes wrong?
Home birthing is a hard conversation.

I am in my sixties.
Diabetic.
High blood pressure.
Asthmatic.
Cancer neuropathy
Teacher.
Scared.

My sister is a nurse. I pray for her as she steadily works the long hours caring for people. I am a libraian. She prays for me as I work tirelessly helping people find books to assist in their making it through these difficult times.

I'm a music major at UM but I think I want to finally put my instrument down and become a sociologist. How do I tell my studio teacher though? She is very scary.

I ended a two-year relationship and realized I had stopped taking photos of myself, had stopped believing I was beautiful. Leaving him feels like a small blessing, despite everything else

My partner quit his AA program. Now I have to decide what I want to do.

I chose stability over adventure. I worry I let my anxiety win.

Some days all you can do is rewind a giant skein of yarn that has gotten tangled

Joy is still here.

July 24, 2020

My mother lied to me in order to convince me to return to the US. Now I'm trapped here with no way out in the foreseeable future and am forced to live a lonely life.

I'm thinking of putting stuffed animals at my table so I don't have to keep eating alone!

My roommate's cat just fell asleep on my feet. I wish I could feel half as safe as he does, resting on another, snoring away.

I’m waiting for the results of my Covid test. I thought I would be scared but am oddly calm. Everything has been spinning out of control recently and I think getting tested has made me feel as if I am regaining some control. At least I'll know one way or another.. Still can't sleep at 3 aam though. Maybe I am worried :/

how is it possible to be so hopeful for the next 4 years and also so uncertain and afraid in equal amounts? i want to feel sure of something - starting a life with you, making a home togerher, maybe getting married - without feeling like at any moment the other shoe could drop... so little is in our hands right now

My baby is tiny. The size of a pea. It has a heartbeat now!!! I'm terrified something will happen to it - it's so small. But I'm also so ridiculously excited. I want it to be OK. I want the pandemic to be over. I just want to be happy with my baby and out new family and not have to worry.

I babysit for two 2-year-old girls. Sometimes I am so scared for the world they are growing up in. But then we play peek-a-boo for half an hour and I think mayble it will all be okay.

I'm a teacher. Apparently 80% of the parents in my district want us to go back to 100% face to face school this fall. All I can say is that 80$% of students better show up on the first day with cleaning products, hand sanitizer, and a letter to my mother with condolences in case this goes south.

I am constantly battling the part of me that tells me things won't get better. That I was made to be unhappy and miserable. May I always win that battle, because I cannot stand the thought of losing to such a big liar .

Shout out to you for making it this far!

July 17, 2020

I wish I acted on my passions rather than just sitting here

Why, even on an anonymous site, do I still crave approval? I hope to learn how to just be me and happy about it whithout (without) the input of others

Welcome to the spectrum. You really are special.

Teachers and students should go back to school when professional athletes feel safe playing their sport.

I want to see the comet before it goes aawway for 7000 yaers. Who knows, it might be the best thibg in 2020.

July 10, 2020

ǝɟᴉl oʇ ǝʌᴉʇɔǝdsɹǝd ʍǝu ɐ ʇɥƃnoɹq I

After a lifetime stuck out of place, I was finally diagnosed autistic last week. I haven't changed, but the way people who know treat me certainly has, and not always for the better. How wonderful to deal with while the pain of the whole world is already around my neck

I've been doing a lot of self-reflection since I've been staying at home. I've learned a lot about myself and thought I'd be ready to share this weekend. But I'm not.

I had another panic attack today. I realize I'm afraid of white people. But not you; never you.

Took me 59 years to realize I'm could be doing more to help raise others up. Damn, I wasted some time but am focused now

If you forgot what love is, get a puppy. Than try to greet the next person you meet with just a tiny bit of that same pure, total acceptance.

"Who learns the clarinet during quarantine?" she asked herself as she picked up the hammer

I know everyone is suffering through this time, but part of me isn't excited for it to end. When life goes back to normal, I'll be missing one of my favorite people in the world forever , and I'm not sure I'm ready for the world to spring back to life without her .

She loved yellow, and crunchy leaves, and dragonflies. I'd like the thought that we can still find her in those thinfgs.

i hope you have a good day. we've had a lo t o f bad days. you deserve a good day.

July 3, 2020

I moved into my own house. I didn't expect living alone to be so lonely. There is no one to take care of the cockroaches

I will never get the human smell out of this apartment. Quarantine has made den of squirrels out of us.

I feel like I am not doing enough in my power to help stop COVID-19. But I am one person in the history of ti me . I won't be the one to stop the pandemic. I’m sorry.

yesterday i had a good day and played guitar while it rained outside . today is hard and i don't know what the meaning of it all is. it comes and goes in waves each day i suppose

Everyone moves through this at a different speed. To an extent we are grieving the loss of "normal" life. When I see people protesting quarantine, I think of them as in the stages of anger and denial. We should help them to acceptance not blame their very legitimate emotions.

I miss my daughter. She has severe autism and is in a residential school. We live far away and haven't been able to visit because of Covid restrictions. I fear for her health and she is just a kid. I long for her hugs, singing and snuggles. Zoom us not the same.

A week before I was furloughed, my supervisor held my evaluation where she thanked me for all my help when we transitioned to remote work. I am a first-gen college graduate, my life has always been about survival and working through a crisis. COVID has only made that visible to others now. Probably why I was able to work competently while we all drowned. I've been on survival mode longer than this virus. Sometimes I laugh about this and other times I cry.

You aren't a bad virtual teacher. You did the best you could, and your students did learn. Just differently.

i don't know who is sitting behind this (virtual) typewriter, what sorrow or joy pours. into the keys as they. clack, but what I do know is that if we could all see eachother as the people we are behind these keys, the world would be jsut(just) a bt(bt)(bit) better.

I just want someone who can tell what I'm feeling

June 28, 2020

I get the impression that happy people do not write here. COVID-19 certainly slows life down, but it is also an opportunity to enjoy the outdoors, do some gardening, and unpack all those moving boxes in the basement for six years! So - I am happy! What about those fawns sleeping in our front yard - so precious! Or the Purple Finches singing all day right outside the window in the Arbor Vitae. Those are little things to notice when the rush of life slows down.

The sunshine and my dog's joy in sniffing the grass and a great blue heron stalking fish in the river give me hope this morning.

In the grocery store, people are practicing how to smile, really smile, with a mask on.

During the quarantine my youngest daughter crawled for the first time, took her first steps, and will be turning one year old next week. I would have missed much of her first year if I weren't working from home. Also, I taught my oldest daughter formally how to do a body slam during a conference call.

This is a bad time to have cancer. But I t looks like I'm gonna be ok. The cows next to the cancer center moo at me to say good luck!

Everyone loves an old and soft confirting (comforting) blanket. Why is it that we don't love ourselves as we grow old and soft?

To my sister for her graduation. He would be so proud of who you have become. He is watching you grow. He is watching us go grow. I love you

Do not forget the incredible things people have said about you. My old film teacher once said in a job reference letter about me that I am a "true documentarian". Now I have to live up to her words. RIP Deanna Kamiel for believing in me when I didn't.

Covid-19 teaches us (forces us() to think more criticaslly about the difference between WANT and NEED. F Masks. Professional sports. personal liberty vs social responsibility. science. politics. idealogy. desired outcomes. What world are we really living for the next generations? How will they measuer omg measue mo ohfuh[foworqwfqwfrg typing suz suxxxxxxxxxx

In response to Tip #5, it's called an octothorpe.

June 19, 2020

As of today, I can't be fired for being who I am. Finally, a little bit of light in the darkness.

I am a monther and a daughter and a wife. Daughter of racist parents who would never admit they are racits. (racist)As a mother I try to teach my daughters, but it is so very difficult to teach while learning at the same time. I want to do this correctly but nevder know if I am right or wrong and ebecause of that it is easier to stay home and shop (online) for comfortable bras. pitiful.

More people are kneeling for justice.

I had a virtual graduation, which I'd thought I'd hate, but I didn't. I was sobbing when I turned my tassel. You have a vision for big, important moments like these, and when they turn out differently than you expected--it turns out not to matter.

I feed myself cold rotisserie chicken. how liberating, to have fallen out of love.

June 12, 2020

I gave birth for the first time a few months ago. I did not expect every day since to be a battle for the country I want my child to be raised in. Becoming a nurturer has made a warrior of me.

I'm tired. I'm black and chronically ill. Covid-19 , police brutality , the protesting, the change thats coming. I am happy, I am angry, I am hopeful, I am tired. My emotions are running so high that they are almost non-exisistent. I dont know what to feel anymore. At least I am still feeling something.

I often feel sad, and heavy. But when I was on medication, I felt very little. I often feel angry. But I can feel joy again too. I can feel joy.

Graduation for me is in two days. I want to get a job so I can have a purpose but I can't because I have to be home to take care of my siblings when my parents go back to work. I feel lost

My kind, caring, funny, well-liked 21 year old son, who since second grade has wanted to serve and protect others, graduates from a police academy in June 2020. I cry often seeing how hated he will be.

I wrote a protest letter and shared it with my mentor. She laughed at me for thinking I could change anything.

You can feel angry and hopeful at the same time.

Do I love him? It seems so inconsequential right now, what with the global pandemic and social revolution happening . . . but . . . I've never been in love before.

Will my marriage survive this pandemic?

Quarantine saved my troubled marriage. (And God and therapy)

We were walking with our fingers laced and palms pressed together holding hands and I kept straightening my fingers and loosening my grip to see if you wanted to let go, to give you the chance to let go if you wanted to. You never let go.

June 5, 2020

On the outside I appear strong. On the inside, I am strong only marginally. I just let myself cry in the shower, but only for twenty five seconds. Don't have any more time than that to grieve. Have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

As humans we are 70% water. We are basically cucumbers with complicated emotions.

cOVID made me cry at times with the stress and uncertainty’s of daily life. Losing Black lives makes me weep for all the lost daily lives.

Racism is a learned behavior and it can be unlearned. It's our civic duty.

I wish my white friends would stop calling me an extrovert. I'm just Filipino. *shrug*

so how long until they start calling tear gas "freedom clouds?"

you can tell much about a person's character by what they do when encountering a turtle in the road.

we have a pair of gay bees living on our deck. happy pride month!!

these days I sleep at night back to back with my dog, which is the most physical contact I've had in many weeks. I am so fortunate

This isn't how I imagined my first year of marriage.

May 6–27, 2020

i don’t understand how i am always hungry when my desk is now 3 ft from my fridge

Oh how I wish for a coffee not made by my own hands

maybe i like this normal better.

Sometimes to persist, a nap is needed.

The quick brown fox is snuggled in bed, following orders to stay safe!

Never eat a sleeping pill and laxative on the same night.

I have more fictional friends than real life friends

I am worried about my parents who won’t stay home and safe. They don’t realize how much I need them. :(

Today I talked to my 97 year old grandpa in a nursing home. No visitors due to Covid-19. He says he is fine. He stays busy by watching Sex in the City.

I work with the elderly. I had a daughter call to check on her dad. She confessed that while she trusts us completely with his care, she is worried when she can see him again he will not recognize her any more.

I hugged my Mom. I’m not sorry and I don’t feel guilty.

during quarantine, my six year old has finally achieved independent reading status - watching him read to his little brother warms my book-loving heardt

alone, together

I never realized how many people I would never see again.

I should have fought to keep you when I had the chance.

christmas 2019, we gave each other two months to decide how we felt no one said a word by march the pandemic was the excuse neither of us asked for but desperately needed

i will forever be thankful that i am quarantined with a partner whose presence i enjoy

One day i’ll marry Harry Styles .

I never thought I’d type aletter like this on a tpywriter, but her e goes...I had always thought she looked so nice in her scrubs, but I never thought she had looked at me in mine...

ive never been so scared but so excited to be a future physician

i am a bad virtual teacher

I used to be hopeful and I scorned others for being pessimistic. What happened to me? Why have I become what I used to scorn?

I love listening to birdsong in the morning instead of the aircraft that normally fly overhead. It fills me with peace .

The coronavirus has no specific targets but hatred does. Let’s cure both.

Across the miles, you can still feel the keystrokes, can’t you?